Sunshine State Solutions + Services

Holy Hocatt: If Gwyneth Can Steam Her Vajayjay, Diana Will Ozone Hers

Holy Hocatt: If Gwyneth Can Steam Her Vajayjay, Diana Will Ozone Hers

Last week, my good friend (let’s call her F) invited me to try a new-ish wellness treatment, the Hocatt machine, one of ten available in Florida. She had just purchased one for home use, and was learning how to use it from a Naples-based practitioner. (Said practitioner also prefers to remain anonymous because her busy practice requires that new clients are accepted through referral only. We'll call her P.)

When Googling Hocatt, you’ll discover several wellness practitioners across Florida also using the machine to treat various ailments, ranging from athletic injuries to immune-system bolstering for critically ill patients.  

So WTH is Hocatt, you ask? Well, it's an acronym for starters: Hyperthermic Ozone Carbonic Acid Transdermal Therapy. In plain English, people-speak, it's basically a one-person chamber that blasts you with a cray-cray amount of health-restoring ozone. Think of ozone as a super ramped-up form of oxygen. It's good for us, big-time. 

Going in with an open mind, I wanted to evaluate this strictly as a feel-and-look better treatment. With the exception of mosquito bites covering my body, plus stress from the 17” of rain pummeling my area of SWFL, there wasn’t anything specific plaguing me - at least that I'm aware of.

Upon arrival, P served us water detoxified through reverse osmosis to remove heavy metals and contaminants, then processed through the Vitalizer Plus with a drop of Young Living peppermint essential oil. We also sipped hard-to-find Celebration Herbals thyme tea for pre-treatment hydration. I was then led to a loo, and instructed to remove my clothes, put my hair up in a metal-free Scünci, tinkle, then wrap myself in a soft plush white towel which felt very expensive. 

P then led me to the Hocatt treatment room. The machine looks like a pod, fusing steam-delivered ozone with carbonic acid and whole-body hyperthermia therapy from the head down. If you’re an aromatherapy fan, this might pique your interest as my essential oil mix included rosemary, eucalyptus, clove, lemon, cinnamon and a drop of peppermint. I also view gorgeous colors from Photon LED Light Therapy: violet (calming), indigo (eyes, ears and nose benefits), blue (fights bacterial infections), green (fights colds, flu) yellow (boosts mental concentration) orange (opens up your respiratory system) and red (rejuvenates).

I have to say, all those trippy hues reminded me of the Hayden Planetarium's circa 1981 Pink Floyd laser show. 

P guided graceless moi into the pod, instructing me to sit on the towel. She explained the three-part program that would evolve during my 30 minutes in the Hocatt. Of the 133 various frequency settings following the "initializing," she planned to set mine on two - toxoplasma and brain repair - each for 15 minutes.

She added that Hocatting my vajayjay was an option, and I thought, if Gwyneth can steam hers, I will one-up that and ozone mine. P unwrapped a sterile rubber tube from its packaging, which I was instructed to insert about a half-inch inside me. I then placed my feet upon metal electrotherapy slats, and as if holding a jump rope, wrapped my hands around metal frequency generators. P closed the pod and placed a towel around my neck to prevent the steam from escaping. Once I was comfortable, P then placed a nasal cannula (which looked like a headphone) horizontally atop the machine opposite my face to deliver humidified oxygen benefiting my breathing passages. 

Under an indigo light, she turned the Hocatt on, and I closed my eyes, feeling the vibrations on my feet and hands from the electrodes, using the time to focus on my breath and relax. As someone who can’t tell the difference from hot flashing and perspiring from our extreme Florida weather, I fared fine. The Hocatt never rose above 100 degrees, and because the steam whirred around my body, it felt pleasant and somewhat refreshing. P checked on me every few minutes to ensure my comfort, and to change the frequency settings when warranted.

The half-hour flew by, leaving my mind focused and body relaxed (my subtly fragrant and moisturized skin - all those lush essential oils - was an unexpected treat.) I patted myself dry and put my clothes on; I was instructed not to shower until the next morning. 

Upon arriving home during a brief hiatus of torrential rain, I wandered over to my vacationing neighbors’ home to feed their cat and fish. Remarkably, I received no mosquito bites that evening as opposed to the five I usually average during this brief walk, which requires jumping over mosquito-breeding puddles. One of Hocatt’s benefit claims is the treatment’s ability to affect CO2 levels. Another a-ha moment.

Reader, I felt amazing. And for the first time in years, slept without my friend Benadryl. Luckily my husband was out of town, because I was passing embarrassing amounts of gas.

(NOTE FROM DANA: Wait - you take Benadryl every night? Girl, that ain't good. And did you really have to tell us about the gas? Personally, I could have lived without that particular overshare. Sheesh.) 

I understand why F purchased one: at $28,500 per machine, amortized over a few years of thrice-weekly usage, the money is comparable to regular spa visits or 4 trips (airfare not included) to Gstaad Palace. Reportedly it also burns 600-800 calories per session. Expect to pay $150+ per session or ask about a package series with your wellness provider.

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